Meltdown after meltdown. It never seems to get any easier. Quite the opposite actually. Everyday that passes, I begin to understand why there is a high percentage of parents of kids on the autism spectrum that are prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety pills. How can you possibly feel like a normal human being when your day begins and ends with crying? How?!
I just spent the last 20 minutes laying on my kitchen floor crying. I try to fight the tears and be strong for my kids, but I just couldn’t. Not today. Emery sang me twinkle, twinkle little star and wiped away my tears while Dawson proceeded to scream in my face. He bit my leg and pinched my arms. He slammed his head on my chest and we both just cried. I was paralyzed. There was nothing I could do, other than cry.
Why me? Why am I supposed to be his mom? Who in their right mind thought I could handle this?? I am barely hanging on today. I wasn’t built for this.
I know it can be worse. Far worse. But at this moment, I feel like it’s as bad as it gets. It’s too scary to think that there are darker days ahead. As I write, Dawson is in another room crying…and I know what you must be thinking. What an awesome mom. She must feel pretty great knowing her son is screaming while she has time to type this blog post. The thing is, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help my son right now. Nothing. Do you know how terrible and inadequate that makes me feel? I can’t bring comfort to my own son.
Too many days go by where I just go through the motions. I wake up, I somehow get through the day and I go to bed. Is this it? Is this my life? When will it get better? I have come to realize that nobody has these answers, and even if they did….their story is not mine. Every child is different, and no two kids fall on the same exact place on the spectrum. There is no book that tells me what the future holds for my family. There is no checklist or promise that it will get better. The only thing I have to count on, is me.
It’s my job to suck it up and raise my children the best I can…whatever that may be. It’s okay to breakdown in tears on my kitchen floor, as long as I get up. It’s okay to question everything, as long as I do my best to find answers. It’s okay that I wasnt built for this….Because you know what? No mom was.
This isn’t something you plan for, or ever expect can happen to you…but you adapt and commit to your role. Being an autism mom is the most challenging thing I have ever done and I know it will get tougher. There have been times where I am left feeling broken and completely helpless…but after the meltdown has happened, and there is a small window of calmness-I look into those beautiful tear filled eyes, and I realize….as hard as it is on me, it’s so much harder on him.
I can’t make promises I won’t have breakdowns or moments of doubt. I definitely can’t vow to be the amazing mom I had hoped I would be. What I do know-I won’t give up. He depends on me.
I love my child, autism and all. But damn this is hard.
I may not have been built for this, but you know who was? Emery. If ever there was a child meant to be a special needs sibling, it’s her. She never ceases to amaze us with the love she has for her little brother. At just 4 years old, she puts his needs before her own and always makes sure he is taken care of. She never stops giving, ever. She will move mountains, mark my words.